Planning your wedding involves a lot of details, decisions, and participation from those closest to you. The only guarantee is that everyone you encounter during this process will have an opinion about what you should or shouldn't do, what's essential and what's a waste of time and/ or money.
And then there's Pinterest, the ultimate frenemy of anyone attempting to plan a unique and personalized event. You'll find more than a few ideas to make sure that your wedding day looks and feels far different from your cousin Kelly's. This is important because Kelly was the last person in your family to get married, and no one can shut up about how magical it was when they released all of those butterflies at the end of her ceremony.
Even if you hire a fantastic wedding planner (and if you can, you should), these seven mistakes are the ones I most often see my clients make in their planning process. I have a backstage pass on the wedding day and get to witness how these decisions impact my clients’ experience. Oh, and spoiler alert, the impact is rarely a positive one.
1 Packing the Schedule Too Full
Your wedding day is a big deal. Family and friends, some you haven't seen in years are coming from all corners of the globe just to see you and celebrate this new chapter of your life. It's tempting, especially for type-A personalities, to "maximize the value" of their wedding day or even the wedding weekend by filling every waking moment with meaningful activities for everyone. This is done with the best of intentions to ensure your guests feel special, and no one gets bored.
However, the reality I've witnessed is that a wedding day filled to the brim with activities robs a couple of the time and freedom to connect and engage with the very people who traveled to experience the day with them. Remember, it takes time to transition from one activity to another. You could plan to meet your bridesmaids at the salon for makeup and hair early in the morning, then go to brunch before hosting an afternoon tea for your guests, then head back to the hotel to dress for the ceremony, though I wouldn't recommend it.
I see people who make this mistake spend their day worrying about getting from place to place on schedule and lose the joy of spending quality time with their guests
2 Having the Ceremony and Reception Far Apart
Sometimes it's unavoidable, but whenever I get a wedding day schedule that shows the ceremony location twenty miles down the interstate from the reception, I know we'll chew up a lot of that day waiting around with fewer photos to show for it.
Getting from point A-to-B takes time. Even if it's three miles, we still have to wait for the car or shuttle to arrive, get loaded with not only the people, but also the accessories, dresses, flowers, makeup, and, "Oh, has anyone seen the floral crown for the flower girl? Can someone run back into the room and check?"Â
It's important to consider that your guests will also have to travel that distance between the ceremony and reception. Some of them may have cars, while others flew in to be there or are unfamiliar with the area. If you can't avoid a long commute to the reception, consider lining up a shuttle to help make your guests’ experience a good one.
3 Creating Your Timeline in Five-minute Increments
A few of the mistakes on this list I put under the general category of "wishful thinking" or "best intentions," but if I'm really being honest, it should be filed under "bless their hearts" because it's the stuff of fairy tales. Few things scream "Bless your heart" more loudly than receiving a wedding day timeline broken down in minute-by-minute increments.
I'm left to wonder if they really think beginning toasts at 8pm followed by the cake cutting at 8:07 and then the father/daughter dance at 8:12 is really going to happen, or maybe they downloaded the sample template from the Knot and didn't know how to change the times.
What if your best man is long-winded and talks until 8:09? Do we cancel cake cutting or the dances? Do we get the DJ to cut power to his microphone to keep things on schedule, or have everyone come back tomorrow for a retry? There is no need to make your day that rigid. Activities can sway fifteen to thirty minutes in either direction, and no one will notice. Besides, your guests don't have a copy of your timeline.
Timelines do play a crucial role in ensuring your day goes the way you want it to. The problem arises when sticking to that plan becomes the goal rather than enjoying time with friends and family. Over the years, I've seen clients stay so concerned about keeping to the schedule that they forget to have fun at their own wedding. (I’m not even being dramatic)
Let your best man talk for as long as he needs. The cake will still be there to cut a few minutes later, and if you happen to be in the middle of a great discussion with your Uncle Frank from Minnesota, that cake will still be there after that too. Don't ever feel rushed merely because of a time listed on a piece of paper.
In my experience, there are only two items on any timeline that should not be trifled with. The first is the processional, better known as the part of the ceremony where one half of the couple walks down the aisle toward the other waiting at the end. It's the grand entrance and typically takes place just after the time published on the invitation you sent to each guest. It also happens in front of all of your guests, so it's essential to make the processional time a firm commitment.
The second time that should be a firm commitment is your announcement into the reception. All of your guests are gathered around to cheer you on, and are excited to get the party started. Don't keep them waiting.
4 Hiring Amateurs
Your cousin Kelly, you know, the one who got married two years ago, just received your adorable save the date announcement and has started flooding you with DIY ideas and Pinterest inspiration boards based on her wedding. She DMs you that she simply LOVES the planning process and is eager to help in any way she can.
It's tempting to think that this could be the answer you've been looking for. I mean, heck, you've never planned a wedding before, but Kelly has, and hers was cool, right? I've seen more than my fair share of situations where a well-intentioned friend or family member quickly got in over their head and needed to call in a professional.
Let’s say your fiancé just got home and told you about his coworker Bryan who loves photographing birds on the weekends and just did all of the headshots for the office. The headshots looked pretty good, and Bryan has offered to take pictures at your wedding. He's getting a fancy new lens, and he wants to try it out.
Cool story, bro...
Taking great pictures of birds, buildings, headshots, or whatever the other Bryans of the world are into doesn't always translate into the ability to create beautiful wedding images.
Every year I get calls from couples who saved a few bucks by letting their friend or a relative "snap pictures" at their wedding and end up with nothing to show for it. Or, at least nothing they are proud to show. They book me to create the portrait session they wished they had from their wedding day.
The bottom line is your wedding is a one-off production. Everyone helping to create this experience for you and your family should be a seasoned professional at what they do, not a weekend warrior. There is no room for inexperience, no room for amateurs.
5 Having a HUGE Wedding Party
Many of my fellow wedding industry colleagues agree that once you cross the threshold of fourteen or more people (not including the couple) in your wedding party, it goes from being a wedding party to something more like a parade.
It's understandable to want all of your besties standing up there with you at your ceremony, but it can come at a cost. The more moving parts you have with any event, the more can go wrong with schedules, transportation, punctuality, emotions, and attitudes.
It seems counter-intuitive, but I tell my clients that the reality with large wedding parties, is we actually take fewer photos than we could with smaller ones. The reason is that it takes more time to move a large group even from one room to another, get everyone in position, settled, and all focused on the same thing.
6 Doing Something Just Because it's Tradition
If there's a tradition you and your family hold dear that you want to incorporate into your wedding, perfect! It will be meaningful to you, those you love, and create beautiful memories. You should definitely do it. If, on the other hand, you feel pressure to do something only because you've seen it done at other weddings or because your cousin Kelly did it at hers, (why all the bitterness toward Kelly?) you have my permission to kick that tradition to the curb.
In fact, next time you're bored, do an online search for "origins of wedding traditions" to see how far removed and, let's be real, in some cases completely whackadoodle the meanings behind some of these traditions are compared to our current realities.
Spoiler alert, the original reason for having bridesmaids was for them all to dress like the Bride as decoys to confuse ex-boyfriends and evil spirits that might show up. Cutting the cake stems from an ancient Roman ceremony of breaking a loaf of bread across the Bride's forehead to encourage fertility. Also, please don't get me started about the origin of wearing the garter. It's from France, and well, it's weird.
7 Trying to Knock Out ALL of the Family Photos Before the Ceremony
I'm all about efficiency, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about the type of experience my clients and their guests will have on the day of their wedding. In theory, it makes perfect sense to gather all of your family and wedding party together a few hours before the ceremony and get those photos done. In practice, however, the experience tends to be a letdown.
Going through a big list of photos in one long stretch is why so many people hate the thought of standing around waiting their turn when they could be doing something far more fun. When you ask a large crowd to arrive before the ceremony, it's inevitable that a few people simply won't get there in time for photos. It can also be a bit of a circus with the different crowds of your friends and family being in one place. The worst part is that your day quickly begins to feel more like a photo shoot than a wedding. My goal is to make sure you look back at your photos with happy memories, not frustrated ones.
The best-case scenario where photos are concerned is for your photographer to work is short bursts with small groups throughout the day, rather than concentrate on one long session.
For example, while you are getting ready, I might go create portraits of your partner, their side of the wedding party, and any immediate family that is available. Because it's a relatively small group focused on the current mission of getting photos done, I can spend ten minutes or so with them before they return back to their previous activity.
We would then repeat that process with your small group. The goal of doing it this way is to have most portraits complete before the ceremony, with no one ever having to wait for their photos to be taken. The few group setups that did not happen pre-ceremony (basically family and wedding party including both members of the couple) are best done immediately following the ceremony.
Everyone you need is guaranteed to be there because they just watched you get married and are still close by. If you choose an experienced photographer, these groupings should go super quick, like fifteen minutes max, and get you and your family off to the cocktail hour.
**Bonus! First Look- Yay or Nay?
If I had a nickel for every time I heard couples or even my industry colleagues debate this subject, I would be sending this article from my yacht. I know some photo and video friends who would die inside if their client opted out of the first look. I've known couples who found seeing each other helps to take the edge off of their nerves to get together before "the show begins," while others are horrified by the mere mention.
Both are correct. The benefit of a first look is it allows for a more controlled location selected by the photographer for just the right atmosphere. They should choose a spot secluded from your family and guests to give the two of you the privacy you need for such a potentially magical moment. The downside? Well, I can't think of any unless you are superstitious and worry that seeing each other before the ceremony will unleash evil spirits. But even if the spirits are after you, it's ok, that's what your bridesmaids are there for.
The bottom line is this whole wedding day is about celebrating you and your partner. You should feel not only comfortable but downright joyful about every part of it. While many of the activities people plan into their wedding make for amazing memories, 98% of it is not legally required for you to be officially married. Really think about the kind of experience you want, and go from there. That's what matters most.
Over the past twenty years, James has photographed hundreds of weddings in various parts of the world. His style is heavily influenced by time spent as a commercial and advertising photographer. Crisp details, vibrant colors and dramatic lighting are a few of the traits of his signature look. James is also the author of Accessory to Marriage- Chronicles of outrageousness from my life as a wedding photographer. It's a seriously long title, but if you are planning a wedding, it might be the comic relief you need to get you through the process.